She said
“don’t, don’t let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen”
She said
“you’re a touch overrated,
you’re a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won’t mean a thing”

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I’m something you’ll be missing
(is that I’m something that you’re missing)
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that…

I’d never lie to you
Unless I had to
I’ll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I’ll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I’m something you’ll be missing
(is that I’m something that you’re missing)
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that…

Cause I’m a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This’ll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cause I’m a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This’ll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (Maybe I should…)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (…hate you for this)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (Maybe I should…)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (…hate you for this)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (Maybe I should…)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (…hate you for this)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (Maybe I should…)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (…hate you for this)

Maybe I should hate you for this
(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)
Maybe I should hate you for this

There are a lot of insecurities I have that I have never expressed to people. Most of these insecurities come from comparison and envy of those around me who have these particular things down to an art. I am going to write down the ones I can think of just in case one day people in my life become curious enough to ask me what they are. 

I enjoy painting and drawing. I used to enjoy it a lot more in High school, but since I graduated 3 years ago, I have seldom touched my art supplies. Truthfully, I think my art is shit. I have only a few pieces out of many that I actually like. The rest, I am embarrassed by. I dont do art much anymore because I have lost confidence in the little talent I thought I had. Someone I envy so much, because of his artistic talent, is named Jake. 

I am thin. Increasingly thin. And truthfully, It is starting to freak me out. I went from a size 5 to a size 1 in less than a year without trying. When people make jokes about how ‘i must not eat’ it really hurts me and makes me feel like somethings wrong with me. When I stand in the mirror and look at myself, I can see my hip bones. It grosses me out. I want to gain weight, because I feel too skinny, but in this society girls die (literally) to be my size. Someone who has the most beautiful body that I wish I had, is named Brittani. 

I am horrible at book smarts. I pretend to be intelligent by boasting about my grades in school. Truth is, I dont remember most of what I have learned. I like to pretend I am good at writing, but as you can tell I am very average in my skills. If I dont spend hours writing a paper and proof reading it, I will no longer get my good grades. It does NOT come naturally, it comes through spell check, grammar check, and ‘right-click-thesaurus.’ Someone I think is highly intellectual, a profound writer, and analytically brilliant, is named Caleb. 

I have a lisp. It has been something I have tried to deal with for my entire life, but it still creeps into my conscious every so often. Most of the time when my lisp is very noticeable to me, I am uncomfortable and nervous. This results in my trying to talk slower. All it seems to do is make my lisp even more noticeable. It kills me. I wish I just talked normal. Someone who I believe has one of the most pleasant and gathered speech is named Angela. 

I have ‘been a Christian my entire life’ but I have the worst time with the bible. It is Gods word, I believe that entirely. I am just not patient enough, smart enough, or motivated enough to study His word. People will ask me about passages, or the historical evidence of Jesus, or questions from the Old Testament, and I feel so stupid because I can seldom answer any questions. Ill hear things in sermons that I know I have heard before but I cant tell you what book in the bible it comes from. I cant even tell you half the time, who said it. Jesus? Paul? Moses? Who knows… not me. By far, the most brilliant bible scholar I have ever had the pleasure of knowing is named Josh. 

These are only a few of my many insecurities. Maybe I will make a part 2 post another time. Goodnight. 

If you need me 
I’m out and on the parkway, 
patient and waiting for headlights, 
dressed in a fashion that’s fitting to the 
inconsistencies of my moods 

You are so fucking stubborn.

I am starting to think I am nothing to you anymore. 

Which is not the biggest problem.

The more I feel like I mean nothing to you, 

the more I feel cheap. used. forgettable. worthless. ugly. 

And.

The more I feel like nothing, 

the more I realize you fooled me with your kind words. 

I hate the impact you had on me. 

I hate falling victim to your presence.

I hate feeling like the biggest fucking fool for still caring.

And mostly, I hate that I feel such a pitiful need for reassurance that I am wrong. So with that I am going to actually ask you, am I cheap? Did you use me? Am I forgettable? Do you think I am worthless? Am I even slightly beautiful as a person? 

I know there will be no answer. Because, lets face it, you dont read my blogs. 

And, well. Let me be honest.

I hate that you dont. 

sometimes. I hate myself. 

Two people follow my blog. Neither of them know me, at all. This gives me a sense of freedom to say what I need to say. So, this particular post is just that; all the things left unsaid. And more than that, it comes from the heart of a broken person who has little self worth. I am pathetic, prideful, selfish, scared, and worse than those, I am naive. 

~

Ephesians 4:25Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

~

Mandie. Truth is, I was selfish. I wanted a friendship with you because I liked who you were. I thought you were amazing. Beautiful. Strong. Fun. Welcoming. But then something changed, and I felt that I wasnt someone important to you anymore, and that all you wanted from me was advice about you and your ex. I felt like you never cared about me. I tried to love you still, telling you how much you deserved more than your ex. Telling you I thought you needed help to properly heal, not because you were crazy or anything, but because I wanted you to have the best life possible and heal from your wounds. And lastly, I wanted you to be happy with Caleb. I knew he would be good for you. I was never trying to keep you two apart. Please understand that. I only wanted healing time for you. You said I was rude to you and a bitch. Which is fair. I wasnt warm and welcoming towards you those last couple days because I didnt know what to think. It seemed like you only wanted my friendship back because you knew I was close to Caleb, but that you didnt really care about really reuniting with me. That night you called me and left me a voicemail, I was angry. But none of my anger came from you. Please dont think I wish the worst upon you. Nor that I dont care. Because I do. I never stopped. All I can do is admit to my own wrongs, and Mandie, I was wrong to be rude and distant to you. I should have just been honest and told you how I felt hurt and unimportant. Thats all.. I am truly sorry. 

Grandpa. I am sorry I have not called you. Its been way too long. I know. I think about you every.single.day. Truth is, I am so scared to talk to you. You are going to pass away, and I feel so overwhelmed that I have frozen. I have psyched myself out every day when I think of calling, because I am scared shitless. I dont know how to handle death. I dont know what to expect, what to feel, what to say. And I know this isnt about me, and that is something I hate about myself, because I am essentially making it about me. I just… am so scared. Please forgive me… its really hard for me to show you I am scared. So even if I do talk to you soon, dont let my cold demeanor dishearten you. I care so much. I love you. 

Mom. I am the worst daughter possible. I have only ever shown you anger and annoyance. I know you dont deserve it, but I dont know how to show you love. After everything, I dont know what to do or what to feel. You never raised me or prepared me for this. I am emotionally scared. I am tired of all the lying in our family. I know the truth. I know everything. And you think I know nothing. Thank you for trying to do what you thought was best for your children, but you should have told us. I dont say this enough, but I love you, mom. And as much as I do love you, I also am so hurt.

~

~

I am a sick, depressed, broken, person. I have so many other things left unsaid, but for now, those are the most important. If someday these truthful words come to life, I pray that they are embraced and not ridiculed. Honesty is so difficult, and sometimes, just sometimes… I am better at expressing how I feel through words. Lord, help me.